Alright, so this may just be me ranting. But it’s my damn blog so I can say whatever the hell I feel like saying.

Do you believe he thinks he’s going to tell me to bring one suitcase? What is he, insane?

5 nights.

1 suitcase?

Absolutely not. That’s like saying just bring one pair of underwear. (And yes, I do wear them. Sometimes. On occasion. When I feel like it. Oh shut up.)

Anyway, I am nnnnnoooooottttt going with just one suitcase. We have events and parties and meeting and then some sightseeing to do. I need more than one suitcase. I need my makeup and dresses and boots and heels and lace. And I’m going to need at least one carry-on for my chocolate. 

Oh, no. Forget one. I’m taking a trunk and 1 carry-on an one big handbag and he’s carrying on my other carry-on. Plus I have the gorilla case and the Samsonite. I’m a vampire! It’s not easy keeping body looking good. 

He’s going to have baggage fees. It would be best for him to accept this now.

You know I think this is stupid, right? I mean, what’s the point? Is there really a need to change the time? Just do what the rest of us do. Get up when the sun goes down and get the hell to bed before it comes back up. It’s not that difficult. Idiots.

All right. Fine. Do it in reverse. Get up when the sun comes up and go to bed when it goes down. You people must be over-joyed with this more sunlight thing. I don’t get it. It’s the same amount of sunlight only now it starts at a different time.

It sucks to me. More sunlight? Like I need more sunlight. Also, we’re heading into “human sweat months.” Now you’re all going to stink.

Today’s tip. Bathe. Wear deodorant. Assume you are the stinky kid because you are. 

I don’t bother to make New Year’s Resolutions. There’s really no point. I never keep them. Oh, come off it. You never keep yours either. Who do you think your kidding? If we’re going to be friends, you’re going to need to be a lot more honest, and not just with me. You need to be honest with yourself, too. If you can’t trust yourself, how can I trust you?

Anyway, that’s not the point to this post. It’s funny how your issues get me sidetracked. That’s going to be something for us to work on together this year. That’s not a resolution. It’s a new item on our damn To Do List, which by the way, you do not need to add to. I have enough items on that list already. Don’t complicate things.

So the point to this damn post is that my friend, and I use the term “friend” in a very serious way. Let there be no confusion on this– Carolyn is my friend. You can check out Facebook, if you don’t believe me. So my friend, Carolyn has decided to honor the people who’ve touched her life. She’s going to honor one person a day for the next 365 days. It’s truly a lovely way to recognize the people who’ve touched her life and I absolutely love it. 

So… I’m going to copy Carolyn’s idea, though I will need to alter it somewhat. As you can imagine, my list is probably a lot shorter than hers. This “friends” concept is new to me and I really think the “honor” should be given to people who’ve impacted my life is a positive way not to those dumb bastards who’ve done nothing but piss me off or get in my way ergo- super short list.

So, each month I will write a post to honor someone who has impacted my existence in a positive way or at the very least has not caused me more trouble than he or she could possibly ever be worth.

January’s honoree is Carolyn for inspiring me to let the world know I appreciate the people in my life. It’s heartfelt ideas like this that will make me a better person, er, vampire. And hopefully, will help me find 11 more people to write about.

I hate to have to point out the obvious. I mean, if you can’t figure these things out on your own, you might be a moron.

People who burst into flames for no damn reason are vampires. Don’t put them out. Let them burn. There’s a reason this is happening. Humans just don’t combust. Only vampires do that. You’re not helping anyone by putting out the fire. Run away. Just run away.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/45410298/ns/world_news-europe/#.TtWQYRwTidw

Let me know, if you’re confused by this advice.

Well, I get my news from the nightly reports on the V Mail system. One article caught my eye this evening and that led me to check the local cable news. Each year at this time we get the reports of humans and their shopping excursions. Actually, we get a stern warning about not going on a little spree of our own and getting caught. Just because there’s an over abundance of idiots running around does not mean that it should turn into a vampire feasting ground. (It’s quite possible the briefing is worded differently, but you get the point.)

In any case each year we watch crazy shoppers who apparently have no idea you can shop on the internet and get free shipping or shop closer to Christmas and get better deals. They camp out, literally camp out in front of stores waiting for the doors to open. Morons.

This year as part of their preparations to ensure they got the items they wanted at the prices they wanted people have moved it up a notch. Guns, knives, pepper spray, and of course, your typical physical attacks have been used as part of the holiday shopping experience.

You jackasses do know it’s not in the Christmas spirit to behave like animals, right? Or do you think baby Jesus condones this behavior? What is that– happy birthday, Jesus. I just killed someone in Walmart because she was about to take the last Dora the Explorer?

Also, what happened to Thanksgiving? We always had a lovely celebration in my family, even wore costumes and acted out the parts. You people ruin everything by rushing to spend your money on crap.

News flash- you can’t take any of it with you. You’re all going to die. There’ll be no crossing over to vampirism for you. We don’t want you. If you get that crazy over TV’s, X-Boxes, and IPods, who knows what you’ll do as a starving fledgling?

For those of you normal shoppers, the ones who don’t knock children down, punch grandparents, stab young women or steal stuff that you didn’t pay for– please be careful. It’s a jungle out there. You don’t want Susie Shopping Psycho to maim you for a stupid Elmo.

Also, I’m more than happy to accompany you on an evening shopping trip. I will kick the shit out of anyone who tries to kill you for any item on your list. That’s what friends do for each other. Let me know when you’re going. As I think you know, I love to shop.

Have you started your Christmas shopping? What’s high on your list this year? Where do you like to shop? Were you injured?

You might not have noticed that I was missing for a bit. Yeah, another shopping trip while JR worked on edits for Perpetual Light, her first book, releasing in Winter 2012 from Crescent Moon Press. Yada, yada, yada. She works on Lucia and Vittorio’s story, and I go shopping. It’s not so bad, when I’m allowed to shop. It’s when she sends me on the fake trips that it really sucks.

This time I did get leopard print pumps for fun and a pair of neutral wooden-heeled wedges that I’ll be wearing to business meetings. Come on, you don’t expect me to wear those to The Groove, do you?

I did not get into any trouble. Don’t act so damned surprised. I am capable of existing for periods of time without causing a ruckus. Of course, Stefan has not seen the credit card bill so that explains why everything is going along smashingly.

I watched The Rite again on Halloween after dealing with those stupid little extortionists who came to beg for candy but before going to a costume party where someone had the nerve to tell me a Victorian woman would not show as much leg as me. If she’d had my legs, she’d have shown them.

Anyway, The Rite is a fairly scary move. Hopkin’s demonic face is much more terrifying than any of the demons I’ve ever met. He’s a very good actor, but scary as shit. Leads me to believe he might be rather strange in person.

In any case- today’s tip of the day is actually a movie review. 4 out of 5 bites (should I use bites? Yes? No? Not sure on the rating scale yet. I’m still testing my options.) for The Rite. Now don’t wimp out. Go see it. Even if National Candy Extortion Day has passed. Here’s the movie trailer.

http://youtu.be/FhHnP-9iekg 

Be that way. You think I care? That’s it. I’m going for a drink. I’ll deal with you later. And I better have some updates about posts. Or else.

Okaaaayyyy. So I see the subscribe button and I’ve subscribed a number of people. Now why haven’t they been notified of the new posts? What the hell?

For the love of Vlad I’ve figured it out. I see a subscribe button. Please. Please let the people I’ve added be notified of a new post. Pleeeeeaaaaassssseeeee………….

Where the hell is the subscribe option? I’ve added the plugin. But where’s the little box for all my friends to add their email addresses? It’s like a freaking mystery.

So, October 3rd is my birthday. I have been told that it is the anniversary of the most glorious day of all time. I’ve also heard that the weather was fairly nice that day in 1823, warm and sunny. I don’t actually remember myself. I was busy being born. You can understand. I had my mind on other things.

Anyway, in celebration of my birthday I’ve decided to have a little contest and give away some presents. I love presents.

I’m giving away two $5.00 Amazon gift cards to whomever can provide me with the funniest or sappiest or oddest or just the most entertaining birthday story. Of course, it’s a totally subjective contest. And, I’m the judge, though I will consider any votes presented via commenters. Your thoughts and opinions are very important to me. Sometimes. And this is one of those sometimes.

Here are some essential birthday tips:

• Your supposed to share your cake so try not to spit all over it when you blow out the candles. That’s just plain gross.

• Just because it’s your birthday does not mean you should drink too much and act like as ass. Unfortunately, I know this from personal experience. (Not so about the spitting on the cake issue. Mainly because I’m not a big fan of fire near my face.)

• It’s terribly impolite not to thank people when they give you presents for your birthday. It’s a sign of very poor breeding. Just say thank you. It’s quite simple.

• Brush your teeth. People are coming to see you. You don’t want them whispering in the corner because the birthday girl (or boy) has bad breath. Do you?

• Enjoy your birthday. You’ve made it another year. And a new year is beginning. But remember: “It’s only your birthday. Not a damn national holiday. So stop strutting around here like everyone should genuflect.” (That’s a direct quote from some jackass who felt the bizarre need to be mean to me on October 3, 1987. Amazingly, I have not heard that sort of advice since.)

So what’d you got? Tips? Advice? Any great stories? I love a good laugh or a good cry, not at my own expense, of course.

I want to give away my gift cards so let’s have it.

How many humans do you know who’ve simply caught fire standing beside you? I’m willing to bet “none” is the correct answer.

But a coroner in Ireland thinks some old dude did just that. Read it here: on.msnbc.com/pxYOGx

Let me ask you, how many vampires have you known who’ve been sentenced to die at sunrise? Oh, come on- at least five. The three who told the German chancellor about our existence in 1968 and then the two who got caught ripping off one of the area masters. Was that the Gulf Coast Master or the West Coast? I can’t remember and it’s not important. Though it is going to drive me nuts. It was either Jeremiah or Marcos. No, couldn’t have been Marcos. He would never have gotten blindsided like that. But Jeremiah isn’t that dumb either. Well, I don’t know. Now you’ve gotten me completely off topic. You know I’m going to be perplexed about this all night.

Where the hell was I? Oh, right. Right. So, that’s just five vampires I personally know. Or knew. There are a bunch more I know about, but never met. I try not to socialize with too many of the dregs. I’m generally a very good judge of character. But sometimes dregs can be a whole lot of fun. 

They can also be crispy. Thus, my limited willingness to spend time with them.

And make no mistake- a charred vampire stinks. It’s as though the damn death breath engulfs the entire carcass. I’m gagging just thinking about it. Grrrooosss.

Anyhow, humans don’t spontaneously combust. Vampires do. So that old Irish dude was clearly a vampire. Sometimes people just don’t want to accept the obvious. You know what’s really funny is that poor coroner trying to get people to believe him. I’ll bet he gets a visit from someone else who could spontaneously combust in the sunlight sometime real soon.

And now I have to go ask Stefan whether it was Jeremiah or Marcos. I have to know. It’s just killing me not being able to remember.

First, let me say that it is my goal to be helpful and caring. I want to endear myself to you. But, and this is a very important but, if you truly need this kind of advice, you’re an idiot. That doesn’t necessarily mean I won’t be friends with you. It just means you’ll be in my group of Special Friends. (Notice the caps.) And, please realize I make the point that you’re an idiot in an attempt to assist you in finding your place in the world not just to point out the obvious.

Okay, here we go.

10. You spend time on the beach in July at high noon.

9.  You age.

8.  You wear a silver cross.

7.  Your typical body temperature is above room temperature.

6.  You can visit the dentist without having to put the whammy on him so he doesn’t notice your fangs.

5.  You prefer your meat well done.

4.  You don’t look good in a cape. (Okay, that one’s a joke. Seriously, who doesn’t look good in a cape? Did you see Jessica on True Blood? Yeah, we all look that good. Unless, you’re someone who didn’t take care of herself before the change. In that case, get a bigger cape and see my Advice page.)

3.  Most of the people you spend time with have never died.

2.  You actually announce, “I’m a vampire and I’m going to eat you.” (And, if you’re doing this, you’re not allowed to be my friend. How damn stupid can you be? We’ll just call you Josephine Smith, vampire extraordinaire. Idiot. Check out this link to the story about that jackass Josephine and poor Milton Ellis.  http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/09/09/florida-senior-says-was-attacked-by-woman-claiming-to-be-vampire/ )

The number one easiest way to know you are not a vampire:

1.  You faint at the first sight of blood.

So, went to see the movie. I wasn’t sure what to expect. Would it be gory or super-scary? Or would it be just like the original?

Well, it felt just like the original, some moments of humor, some moments that made my butt numb (hard to do to a vampire), some moments that made eating my dark chocolate truffles (no nuts) hard to eat.

I have to give it a three. Three what, you ask. I don’t know yet. I haven’t quite figured out my ratings. But just know this- three is middle of the road.

Regarding individual performances: I give Colin Farrell a five. That’s out of five, just to be clear. He was hot and scary and gross. Those vampires were so ugly. I loved that. David Tennett gets a four. And not because he didn’t look wicked in those leather pants that didn’t breath and gave his boys a rash. But because his character was a wimpy drunk. I know he turned it around, but hey, I have a bit of a bias for the vampire. What can I say? Anton Yelchin was adorable and very heroic and in spite of him being way too young for me, I’m giving him a five. Fives for Toni Collette for having the nerve to put a For Sale sign through Jerry’s back and to Imogen Poots for one, having such a cool name and two, for liking the nerdy boy.

I’ll tell you I loved Chris Sarandon and Roddy McDowell in the original and highly recommend you watch that one, too. 

Oh, oh, oh- who could not like McLovin? No one. Christopher Mintz-Plasse was great. A Five! Love when he bitches about loosing an arm.

PS- I’m taking suggestions on my rating system. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t ask for your opinion?

So…

Okay. Well this may seem obvious to some of you. It might even seem like an absolutely ridiculous point to make. But not everyone realizes that you don’t bite your friends.

If you bite your lover, why wouldn’t you bite your friends? It’s a perfectly legitimate question– except for the fact that you do a lot of things with your lover that you don’t do with friends.

Let’s just leave it there, shall we? And you wonder why you don’t have many friends.

Also, if you’re not a real vampire, don’t bite anyone, not even your lover. It hurts, you putz! And, the victim will not forget and he will not like you. And, he’ll probably call the police on you. You’ll end up looking like that idiot in Texas who broke into his neighbor’s apartment and bit her. Don’t make a fool of yourself. Real vampires will just laugh at you.

Just another helpful tip here. Vampires do not turn into bats and fly away. You can’t get rabies from us.

Don’t get me wrong. We bite. Oh, yes. That we do. But we don’t have rabies. Though there are some rather unsavory looking vampires and I can see why you might think you’d pick something up from them. But you won’t get rabies.

Is it me or does this guy look more like a werewolf than a vampire? Just agree. You know he does.

Let’s think about this logically, shall we? Who the hell would want to turn into a rodent? Even a flying rodent is not an exciting idea. First off, no one likes rats. Secondly, no likes the idea of a rat flying over head. I mean, if we were going to turn into something other than a vampire, it would be something cool, like a lion or a hawk or some other awesome predator. Not a rodent with beady eyes and tiny little fangs. Are you kidding?

Come on, people.

And let’s face it. Anyone who’d dress up like a bat, especially a grown man, has issues.

Mia Marlowe’s Touch of a Thief is another book I read on vacation between the swimming, dancing and shopping, (This time I had the credit cards and the cash. A very successful shopping trip.)

Isn’t the cover gorgeous? I so wish I’d been able to dress in these types of clothes. But we just weren’t rich. I had a lot of crappy hand me downs. That’s what happens when you’re number 13. You get crappy hand-me-downs and your parents and oldest sisters try to convince you that you look nice. Of course, you know you’re wearing crap and sisters 9-12 are happy to confirm this for you. But I digress.

Touch of a Thief opens with our hero, Greydon Quinn, getting a Karma Sutra lesson while in India in 1856. Now, I love any time any man is getting a lesson in pleasing a woman. What could possibly be wrong with that?

Nothing!

So from page one I like him. Of course, he’s a problem for our heroine, then he’s a bit of fun for her. Then she thinks he’s sold her out and leaves him. Then he has to win her back.

She’s no easy flirt. Lady Viola Preston is a jewel thief with the unfortunate gift of hearing the gem’s past when she touches it.       

I have to admit, I’m so glad I can’t hear gems. I love jewelry and have lots of it. And a lot of it’s old. Who knows what tragedies my gems have seen? Stefan gave me this fantastic ruby necklace that once belonged to some princess or courtesan or something. Anyway, she ended up dead and I think she was wearing the damn necklace. I have no desire at all to know what happened to her. Okay, really I do know. She was caught with her lover or one of her many lovers. Her husband killed her. It was a messy affair. Ha, that’s kind of funny. She was having an affair and got caught. Then it got messy.

Sorry, back to the book. Lady Viola suspects Quinn of doing something quite hideous based on a vision she saw when she touched one of his cufflinks. Of course, she leaves him. Who wouldn’t after learning that?

I’m not going to tell you the details. You’ll need to read the book. But the story is great. The love scenes are hot. What would you expect from a Karma Sutra-trained hero? The heroine is fantastic, sneaking around at night in Regency England dressed in men’s clothes. You have to love that.

Pants. For women. What a novel idea that was. I hated wearing dresses everyday. They’re terribly limiting. Plus, we wore way too many layers. I like skimpier underwear, too. All the damn layers made us sweaty.

Another great read that I highly recommend. If you’ve read Touch of a Thief, I’d love to hear from you. If you haven’t, I’m just going to assume that you’ve added it to you TBR list.

Basically, don’t go around telling everyone that you’re a vampire. I mean, how stupid are you? Yeah, yeah with True Blood and Twilight and all those other shows and books you’d think that vampires would be accepted, welcomed even. But nope, that’s not the case. Actually, maybe True Blood doesn’t exactly help our cause. Just the same, don’t tell anyone.

Do you want a stake through your heart? Or to be dragged into the sun while you’re sleeping? I should hope not.

Oh, and if you do tell, it better be someone you’re hoping to spend the rest of eternity with because when word gets out that you told, you’re going to be changing that human. It’s change him or … well, you know, silence him. And that’s just not very nice at all. I don’t approve. I sort of expect you, as my friends, to be much more thoughtful about your friends. We don’t treat people like that. At least, not on purpose.

Well, maybe we have treated some people like that on purpose. But that wasn’t recent. And it wasn’t done during a moment of rational thought. And it was followed with extreme regret and remorse. And …

We all make mistakes. There’s no reason for you to judge me. That’s it. I’m done trying to help you. If you’re going to judge me, I’m going out to look for new friends. I don’t need to feel this badly when I’m only trying to help you lead a good life as a vampire. It’s not like you’re perfect, you know!

So I read Dark Slayer two weeks ago when I was on vacation. It wasn’t a vacation I wanted to go on. I was sent, again. By Jordan. You know, it really pisses me off to have to take vacations whenever she feels like I should. Last time I was sent cybershopping without a credit card. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to shop with no money? Well, it wouldn’t have been so difficult if I’d been face to face shopping, but on the internet it’s basically impossible to purchase anything without money.

So this time I didn’t get to go shopping. Jordan complained (as if that should matter) that I did way too much complaining. So I was sent to the beach.

Not during the day. Don’t be silly. I mean, I was at the beach house during the day, but sleeping, soundly. I do love the beach. The sand. The ocean. Waves. The smell of the salt water. All of it. I love it. Even the birds, though not when they fly overhead.

So, while I was moonbathing I read Christine Feehan’s Dark Slayer. I happen to believe that vampires aren’t all bad and her Carpathians sort of remind me of vampires I know. Then the “vampires” in her stories remind me of a group of jackasses I know so it really fits perfectly.

In Dark Slayer Feehan’s heroine, Ivory Malinov, is a very strong and skilled slayer who hunts and kills vampires. I like a strong heroine. What’s not to like? She even has these awesome wolf tattoos that come alive, jump off her back and help her in battle. They’re her wolf family. I love wolves- when they’re bathed, of course. Anyway, she stumbles upon her lifemate and bam! her drive to kill vampires and rid the world of the most evil mage to ever exist gets sidelined when she falls in love. What’s a girl to do?

The heros in Feehan’s Dark Series are all super-alphas, another aspect I rather enjoy. Primarily because it’s what I deal with all damn night and I’m always looking for advice on how to tweak, er, properly co-exist with these wingnuts. Though, I’ll admit I do a pretty darn good job of holding my own with Stefan and his band of unmerry men.

All in all, I thought Dark Slayer was pretty good because the heroine is brilliant. There were some pretty funny lines during the love scenes that made me giggle. Anytime the hardness of a male sex organ is described repeatedly I giggle. Out loud. Sometimes I laugh my ass off. Then I read it to Stefan. That annoys him. Because I don’t read it to put him in the mood. I read it and then comment about his. Pretty much guaranteeing that we aren’t going to act out the scene.

Anyway, read Dark Slayer- if you like strong heroines and rock hard… well, you know.  

I’m always looking for something new to read. Something with a brilliant heroine. I prefer paranormals and horror, though I’m really digging historical romances. Also, I love a good laugh so any book with funny organ (hee, hee, hee) descriptions will work, too. Suggestions are welcome. I’ll even do another review!